Becoming the Woman I Needed — Healing Is Harder Than People Think 🌿

If I say I am completely okay… that would be a lie. I still get anxiety. My heart still skips a beat every time someone yells at me. I still overthink words people say to me. I try not to… but sometimes it still hurts deeply. And maybe the hardest part is — people don’t realise how much their words affect you. Or maybe they do and just don’t care enough to stop. Even now… if I spend money, I’m made to feel guilty for it. As if I don’t deserve to buy things for myself. As if I don’t already work, contribute, manage everything quietly every day. Today I bought rat bait because I have a genuine fear of rats. Something so small. Something for peace of mind. But even then I was told: “Go return it.” “You already have some.” “When it’s time to work you feel unwell, but when you have to spend money you’re fine.” “Maybe I should block your credit card.” And honestly… those words hurt. Not because of the money. But because of how small they make you feel. As if your needs don’t matter. As if you constantly need permission to exist comfortably. That feeling slowly breaks something inside you. Sometimes I sit and wonder — have I become so emotionally tired that I stopped believing in myself too? I even tried finding a job. Trying to figure out what I want from life. But then I hear things like: “You can’t even manage here, how will you work outside?” And slowly… self-doubt creeps in again. Healing sounds beautiful when people talk about it online. But real healing is painful. Because you are trying to rebuild yourself while still standing in the same environment that hurt you. And that takes strength. A lot of strength. Some days I say I am letting go. But honestly… it’s hard. Very hard. Still… I am trying. I don’t react much anymore. Not because I have nothing to say. But because I want peace. Calmness. Silence for my mind. I no longer want to fight to prove my feelings. Let people think whatever they want. I cannot keep carrying everyone’s opinions anymore. If I start caring about every word, every criticism, every reaction… I won’t be able to live peacefully. So now… I choose differently. I choose myself. My peace. My decisions. And through all this pain, confusion, and healing… my faith in God is still the strongest thing holding me together. I truly believe He will guide me where I need to be. Even if I don’t fully understand the journey yet. Until then… I just want peace. No chaos. No constant guilt. Just healing slowly… one day at a time 🌿